A direct descendant of the legendary fictional vampire Count Dracula is seeking bidders for a brand new £1bn stairlift for their home in Whitby, Infrastructure Intelligence can exclusively reveal today.
Sources close to the ageing vampire, also called Count Dracula, denied that he was slowing down, but said that the combined effects of the global pandemic and its subsequent drop in tourism in the seaside town could potentially lead to a significant fall in supplies of fresh blood in future years.
The count washed up in Whitby after a shipwreck hundreds of years ago, making himself at home in the gothic ruins of Whitby Abbey on the stunning clifftop overlooking the sea. However, there are 199 steps leading up from the town’s historic market place to Dracula’s special selection of hidden coffins in the grounds of the ruined Abbey, and the count is looking ahead to the days when he no longer fancies simply flying up to the clifftops himself.
“Although Mr Dracula is shy about his age, he looks as good as any other bloke a few hundred years old,” said Dracula’s spokesperson. “He still gets out and about in town during the twice-yearly Goth weekends and, to be honest, he fits right in. No one bats an eyelid and no one is any the wiser.
“But, looking ahead for maybe the next 1,000 years or so, Dracula thinks there’s bound to be the occasional rough night, especially in the middle of winter, when he just fancies a lift instead. So, he’s looking to install a decent stairlift to make life a bit easier – not just for himself, but for his potential victims. Sorry, not victims, no, but for tourists and the rest of the local community too.”
Asked what the stairlift might look like and why it had a £1bn budget, Dracula’s spokesperson said: “Dracula doesn’t do things by halves, and he wants something to last 1,000 years. We’d like designers to let their imaginations run wild, and it could be that the materials used for construction simply haven't been invented yet.
"The basic requirements are a selection of air-conditioned coffins complete with fully-sprung mattresses and fluffy pillows, a decent fridge freezer capable of storing six-months’ worth of fresh blood, and, essentially, fully-tinted windows are an absolute must.” But surely a huge £1bn stairlift would face massive local objections in the historic seaside town? “Don’t worry about that,” said the fictional vampire’s spokesperson. “Dracula can be remarkably persuasive when he wants to be.”
The count's project planning team is believed to have had preliminary discussions with representatives of the Construction Innovation Hub to help inform the procurement process. Although designers are encouraged to let their imaginations run wild and send any draft plans directly to us here at Infrastructure Intelligence on Dracula’s behalf, any potential bidders are strongly advised to check the date of this story first.